Breastfeeding is best for mothers?

"When will my body ever be mine again?"

This was  first selfish thought that crossed my mind one day, post-partum, while I was staring at myself in the mirror while breastfeeding my baby.

Maybe it was a bad idea to position myself right in front of a full-length mirror while breastfeeding, but there I was, looking at a disheveled image of me, a baby latched onto my engorged breast, while milk was leaking steadily from the other. I felt sore, sticky, and downright ugly. My breasts, which have already been large enough pre-pregnancy, have swollen into (I presume) cup Ds, and they look so unnatural - like, Dolly Parton proportions.

My doctor advised me to go au naturale at home, but I find that impossible to do, as I do not like milk dripping all over me while I move around. My regular cup B bras, which had enough room to spare for my breasts during pregnancy, are already too small; not just with the cup size, but also with the width (my breasts have grown sideways too).

People say (most specifically my doctor and my mom) that I am lucky I am producing so much milk (even without malunggay). Of course, my daughter is the main beneficiary, and I should be happy. But then my mind wanders over to the question at hand, and I spiral into self-doubt and guilt. Are mothers supposed to think these thoughts? Isn't it a given that once you become a mother, your body is never truly yours anymore?

I cried that day. Cried while my baby was contentedly feeding  at my bosom; cried while I hastened to catch the dripping milk from the other breast with a hand pump; cried while thinking of how I will never again fit into my clothes, and how I will have to spend money buying a whole new wardrobe, 2 sizes bigger than my previous set; cried while thinking how other mothers see this "natural breast enhancement" as a plus after pregnancy, while I think its a curse; cried while thinking of how other mothers seem to do this with composure, while here I am, breaking down only on the first 2 weeks of motherhood; cried because all I could think of was how these large breasts are affecting ME negatively, and feeling guilty because I am supposed to be focusing on how these are a positive thing for my daughter.

I am not sure when my body or my life will ever normalize. I don't think it ever will. Is it wrong of me to want it to normalize? Maybe I have a negative body image to begin with: I was a really skinny adolescent, and I spent my middle-aged years trying to achieve a flat tummy by working-out. And now that I've given birth, I still have the post-partum pooch (that left-over flab / tummy skin), and my boobs are too sore and too BIG that I can't even imagine myself working-out again. I don't think they can even fit into my sports bras anymore. :/ Are there breastfeeding mothers out there who have an active lifestyle? How do they do it? Tell me HOW?

Will it get better after breastfeeding? Is it bad of me to think that it will?

Post-partum thoughts

1 week

Baby Adelle is already a week old. I know I haven't updated this blog very diligently; I have more or less let my pregnancy thoughts run free on Twitter or on Facebook. I didn't have time to really write them down cohesively on this blog.

And all of those are moot now, since a new set of thoughts (of a different form and nature) are taking over my brain: post-partum motherhood thoughts. They are mostly full of love for my darling little daughter, but some of it are not so pleasant thoughts about myself, my situation and the people around me.

Post-Partum depression? I don't think so. I think I have a pretty clear hold of my thoughts right now. I think I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything that is happening...to think that it has only been a week!

• In a week's time, I have experienced sleeplessness. It's not only that she keeps me awake for her needs; it's also because I WANT to be awake. Sometimes, just to watch her sleep; often, just to check if she's still breathing. 
• You know when they tell you that your hands and feet swell during pregnancy? Well, they haven't fully disclosed the major bloated-ness your WHOLE BODY experiences post-partum. I feel (and look like) a plastic balloon, blown to capacity. My feet are swollen, my calf has eaten up my ankles, my hands tingle and ache, and worst of all, my breasts are !?:>*&@#&^! engorged. They're unnaturally humongous and as hard as rocks. Even when I massage and pump, they remain large (and hard) and they hurt SO BAD. Which brings me to my next rant...
• I have been waiting 9 long months to be finally able to lie down on my stomach. I have been sleeping in the fetal position for far too long, and my back is aching for some good ol' on-the-stomach-sleeping. I have given birth and all, but nooooo. Lying down on my stomach is near impossible, because these huge (and painful) breasts are in the way. Sigh. 
• I have broken down from exhaustion, irritation and frustration countless times already. Once during Adelle's first night home, and she was crying so helplessly (may kasamang hikbi) - I felt so wretched for not knowing what she wanted; like I was such a terrible mother. One other time when our maid walked in on me while I was breastfeeding. Does she not know that the nursery is off-limits to everybody except myself and my husband?! (ok, and my mom, she can come in) I snapped at her, then at my husband, then cried immediately after from frustration.
• I feel so protective of Adelle...nobody gets to touch her but me! Now I know how a mother hen feels when people hover over her eggs. But maybe this feeling is comparable to something a bit more vicious than a mother hen. An alligator?
• For succumbing to the temptation of a snake and for eating an apple, God has given all women the pain of childbirth, monthly menses, and breastfeeding. Unfair, much? 
• I have permanently camped out inside the nursery. I do not think I could ever sleep in my bed again. Being too far from my baby is not even an option; "too far" meaning, more than 2 meters away from her.

I never thought that I could feel so overwhelmingly in love with a being who has hurt me as she was making her entrance into this world (vaginal birth, with no epidural until I was 8 centimeters dilated, HELLO!); and someone who constantly demands so much of my time (feedings every 2-3 hours), and who literally bites me to stay alive (the horrors of breastfeeding). Surprisingly, after all the hurt and pain she has inflicted on me (and continues to inflict on me, every 2-3 hours), I still coo lovingly at her, and I swear to bring on the wrath to anyone or anything who would wish her harm.

I don't know who coined the clinical term "post-partum depression," and I am not questioning it, really. I'm just saying (or wondering out loud) that don't all mothers feel this way automatically after giving birth? Shouldn't it be normal? I guess what balances it out is the overwhelming feeling of love you have for your newborn. Because if not for that, then mothers all around the world will probably go over the edge. :)

Emotions Running High

Week 28, Day 2

So a few nights ago, my husband and I were laying in bed doing our own pre-bedtime rituals: I was on my iPad, playing Candy Crush while he was watching a movie on his laptop, with his headphones on.

He was watching the latter part of Noah (starring Russel Crow, Emma Watson and Jennifer Connely). When I happened to glance his way, I glimpsed the scene where Emma Watson was giving birth. So (being pregnant) naturally, I was curious.

Me: (waving my hand in front of Ton's face)
Ton: (pauses the movie and removes his headphones)
Me: I want to watch.
Ton: (removes the headphone cord from the plug and resumes the movie)

On-screen, Emma Watson's character proceeds to give birth to a baby girl. After a few moments, she goes into labor again and delivers another baby.
Jennifer Connely's character: (looks up with a morose look on her face) I'm sorry. Sisters.
Emma Watson's character: (wails) NOOOOO!

Me: (turns to Ton with eyebrows furrowed) Why are they sad that it's another girl? Were they expecting a boy?
Ton: (pauses the movie and turns to me matter-of-factly) Because Noah will kill all humans without partners. He said that if she gives birth to a girl, he will kill them to discontinue humanity (so they cannot reproduce).
Me: (shocked) He will kill the babies??!!
Ton: Yes, because Noah believes that that is what God commands.
Me: (starting to cry) But why will God command him to do something so horrible?? They're just babies!!! (starting to wail uncontrollably) Wala naman silang ginagawang masama!

At this point, I was inconsolable. I was bawling uncontrollably, while Ton was wide-eyed and bewildered, trying to wipe away my tears. I was feeling wretched at that moment; confused; heartbroken. WHY would God command Noah to do such an inhumane task: kill - not just one, but two - babies!

Having been pregnant for 28 weeks already then, I felt deeply invested in that scene. I felt devastated that Noah could even let the thought of killing newborn babies enter his mind. Carrying a baby (let alone two!) for 40 weeks inside your body is no joke. Although I've only been able to experience just 28 weeks, those 28 weeks were enough for me to: Experience extreme discomfort brought about by raging hormones and indescribable body changes; and also to feel unconditional love for a person I have not even met yet. <3 I am fiercely enamored with this life growing inside me (hello baby Adelle, I love you!), and I will cry, scream and kick in protest if ever something or someone wishes to harm her.

Having experienced what Emma Watson's character went through (except for the labor part, since I'm not at that point yet), I had an idea on what she must have felt, knowing that her father-in-law, Noah, was about to kill the two most precious beings in her life. It's like, What? You made me go through 9 months of THAT for THIS?

I've heard / read really sad stories of miscarriages, stillborn babies, babies living in the womb for up to 36 weeks, only to suffer complications at the last minute...(shudder). I shouldn't be entertaining negative thoughts, but these type of stories prevail in my Newsfeed often, and I get nightmares from them. :( It makes me really paranoid and sad to hear these stories; sometimes it makes me question God's plan: why would He want mothers to go through the joy of conception, pregnancy and anticipation, only to take it away too soon? It's not fair!

But even if I know that my hormones are making me extra-emotional, paranoid and weepy, I refuse to let these negative thoughts prevail. I will keep on praying to God for a normal and healthy baby, and for a safe delivery for me.

For the information of those who weren't able to watch the movie, Noah, he didn't push through with killing the twins, because he looked at them and felt only love. As such, I should have complete faith in the Lord that He only wants love to prevail, no matter what. :)

BabyTLV Gender Reveal Party

So from wedding planning just a few months ago, I have now graduated to baby-themed parties, the first of which is our Baby Gender Reveal Party. I know this is pretty unusual...most of the guests we invited didn't really know what a gender reveal party was, and it was their first time to attend one...but there were a lot of examples on Pinterest, so we were guided accordingly. Haha.

Not a lot of gender reveal parties happen here in the Philippines (I only know of a few), since many would rather spend on the baby shower or for the Baptism. But since this is our first child, and the first grandchild in our side of the family, we decided to have an intimate gathering to announce this milestone.

#BabyTLV's Estimated Due Date (EDD) is on March 28, just a day after Easter Sunday, so I wanted an Easter-themed party. I also wanted something gender-neutral, yet cheerful, for the color motif, so I chose yellow, grey, and white.

My doctor advised me to be on bed rest due to spotting, so I made use of my idle time making DIY gender reveal Easter eggs. I couldn't go to the mall to shop for supplies, so I tasked Ton to do the shopping for me. Hehe. He bought me plastic eggs and lots of glitter. Here's the finished product:

Gender reveal Easter Eggs

I was already done with half of the stash when I realized that the decoration totally falls apart when I try to open it. I hadn't put in the candies and the confetti yet, so I had to redo the ones I've already finished. :/ But they ended up looking pretty good, right?


Dessert Table

For the desserts, my friend, Risha helped me source a dessert supplier. I sent her pegs of the cake I wanted, and to keep with the theme, I also ordered cake pops shaped as Easter eggs.

Pink or blue, we love you!

The cake, cake pops and the panna cotta with macerated mangoes are from Krissie Pacia! They were all very yummy and beautifully done. I also ordered cupcakes from the Bakeshoppe at Shoppersville. It cost a little bit more to have them make cupcakes with yellow icing (their standard is white marshmallow icing), but it was all still pretty cheap, and still delicious!

My sister-in-law, Leni, styled the dessert table. I borrowed the dessert plates from mama, to be able to display the cupcakes in. Leni made the grey "BABY" lettering with yellow buttons for accent, as well as the cupcake toppers (with a grey bunny as artwork). The Brazo de Mercedes is from the caterer, DGD Events.

And for an added accent, we also put in a glass juice dispenser with dalandan juice! Yellow and grey straws were displayed in mason jars to complete the look. 

Leni also made the backdrop, the banderitas, and the yellow pom-poms! Such a pretty and cheerful set-up!

Kormac likes yellow!

Registration Table

For the registration table, my seastarr, Larissa thought of a unique way to word the voting board. Instead of "Team Boy or Team Girl?" or "Pink or Blue?" we used "Team Mini Tonton or Team Mini Leklek," using our nicknames when we were kids. <3

Guests who arrive will cast their votes by writing their names on a blue or a pink stick. They will then wear a blue bunny or pink bunny pin, to signify their gender vote.

For the prizes for the games, we bought Hershey's chocolates and colored the "He" and "She" with the corresponding color.

Program

It was just a small gathering, made-up of our family and close friends, but we also wanted it to be a fun party for all. It's a good thing we were able to persuade our friends, Chel and Jeff, to host the party for us. They made-up the program and the games...and they even made a PowerPoint with our baby pictures and a sneak-peak of BabyTLV, care of makemebabies.com. Haha.

Ton as a baby. Mama Virgie says he was a well-behaved child. Seems like he also didn't know how to smile. HAHAHA.

Me as a baby. My mama described me as "malikot." And I obviously knew how to smile for the camera! :D

The guests laughed when our respective mothers described us as babies, because what we were then (Ton was behaved, while I was makulit) are total opposites of what we are right now. :)) But what will BabyTLV look like? If you combine our genes, what kind of baby will BabyTLV be? (drum roll please)...

BabyTLV c/o makemebabies.com

I am not sure if this is the real image generated from our pictures, since none of the features look like they come from us! Haha! The baby looks like the kid from the Alaska milk can. :)) This drew a lot of laughs from the audience.


Games

A party is not a party without any audience participation, so Chel and Jeff cooked up some pretty fun games too!

1.  Old Wives Tales - This is a by-table game. Each table had a white board where the guests can write their answers (either Boy or Girl), as their response to an old wives tale narrated by Chel.
   
2. Baby Beer Pong -  This is just like beer pong, but without the beer, and with pink and blue cups instead of red cups. :)) 
     
   
   
3. Baby Bottle Drinking Game - Again, instead of beer (isn't it obvious that our guests like beer?), Chel asked the contestants to drink (low fat) milk from a baby bottle. Not an easy task!
   
4. Baby Womb Race - Do you know what it's like to walk around with a big, heavy baby inside your tummy? Well, a balloon is no substitute, but trying to shoot a ping pong ball from your thighs and into a cup may show the contestants how hard it is to bend over to pick stuff up! Haha.
   
5. Easter Egg Hunt - And then finally, what is an Easter-themed party without an Easter Egg hunt! We had a bit of trouble hiding the eggs, since the guards of the building said we weren't supposed to use the grounds. Also, some of the eggs already burst open, ruining the surprise for some. :( But it was still so nice to see all of my guests scrambling around the garden and the playground to look for eggs! Walang killjoy! :) All of the Easter eggs contained pink candy and confetti, but there were 2 golden eggs, among the blue and pink eggs. The ones who found the golden eggs got a special prize: a gift certificate for an Aromatherapy session at The Spa! (Gosh, I could use one of those, too!)
   
   

* * * *

Overall, the party was a huge success! I was feeling a bit down earlier in the day since a lot of our invited guests declined at the last minute. But we were able to fill the function room, and the food did not go to waste, so I guess all's well that ends well. :)

Closing remarks

We didn't use the cake to reveal the gender, but it's still pretty anyway. :)

When we revealed the gender, Team Mini Leklek cheered with us, while Team Mini Tonton (specifically my mama haha) said that the "pututoy" was probably still hiding, and could not be picked up by the ultrasound yet. Haha! But they're all still very happy for us, of course. We will see her again in a few months, when we go for a 4D Ultrasound. But for now, I am pretty sure that I am having a baby girl!

We are all very excited to meet you, Baby Girl Adelle!

Even Kormac is looking forward to meeting you! <3

He or she, what'll it be?

Week 23, Day 1

 A lot has happened since my last post (which was 7 weeks ago). I have been monitoring my aches, my pregnancy symptoms, and my weight, but I haven't had the chance to properly blog about it. I have also been very busy planning our Gender Reveal party, which happened just a couple of days ago.

Ton and I found out the baby's gender at Week 20, during our scheduled Congenital Anomaly ultrasound. Here are a few snapshots of our baby:

Profile!

Can you see the face? You can make out the nose and the open mouth

As the doctor ticked off the organs that she was supposed to take inventory of, Ton and I breathed a sigh of relief that she did not see any major defects in the brain, heart, kidneys, stomach and liver. And then she asked us, "Would you like to know the gender?" and I held my breath.The moment of truth!

Doctor: "Sir, parang girl...walang nakalawit eh."
(fumbling with the controls) "The middle of my second and third finger is the gender. Looks like pepe, right?" (haha, yes, she said that word)
Me: "Oo nga!"
Doctor: "Daddy's girl!"

We are having a baby girl! Ton was a bit speechless for awhile after that revelation. His mind had been set on a baby boy, and he could already imagine them playing basketball together. Haha! A baby girl is a whole new game to get used to, I guess, and he couldn't quite comprehend it yet.

I wanted a baby girl. But during the process of my pregnancy, when people would ask me what I wanted, I said that I am just praying for a healthy baby, regardless of gender. I just wanted our baby to be healthy and normal! We still have a long ways to go, so I am continuing praying for the safe delivery of a healthy baby girl! <3

Our families weren't in Manila at the time we found out the baby's gender, so we wanted to plan an intimate get-together when everybody would be here. Ton and I decided to have a Baby Gender Reveal Party to announce the gender to our family and friends. Party planning can be a bit stressful (especially the RSVPs - but what's new? I experienced this during our wedding!), but it can also be a lot of fun (thanks to Pinterest!). Nothing but the best for our baby girl!

Check out the pictures of the party in the next blog post!

Heart Strong

Week 16, Day 3

I am on my 4th month! How time flies! I haven't been writing much, since I've been worrying instead. It's been a long time between Ob-Gyne visits, and I've been wondering: without the ultrasound or the Doppler device, how do mothers make sure that the baby inside them is A-ok?

Just past the 1st trimester, I can't see or feel my baby just yet. I know that in the first few weeks of my pregnancy, I've been weighing myself warily, not sure if the 10-lb weight gain during the 1st trimester alone was normal. Now that I've hit the 2nd trimester, I'm worrying that I am not gaining enough! I've plateaued at 131 lbs for the past 2 weeks already...why am I not gaining weight? Is the baby not growing inside of me?

My fears were calmed when I visited my Ob-Gyne a few days ago. She confirmed that my weight and my blood pressure was on-track, and then we listened to the baby's heartbeat using the Doppler device! I was so happy to hear the thump-a-thump of the baby! It look awhile for her to find it (it was a bit further down my belly), but when I finally heard it -- ahhh, music to my ears. :)

She made a fearless forecast that my baby is a boy. She said that she usually can tell from the heartbeat. Girls' heartbeats usually sound like a whisper, but the heartbeat coming from my belly was strong and fast. Awww, my heart strong baby. :) 

I will know the gender for sure in a month's time; I have my Congenital Anomaly exam (ultrasound) scheduled for November 9. Time to place your gender-bets! Haha!

My husband and I will be seeing him/her for the first time, in all his/her developed glory. :) I'm so excited. Still continuously praying for the baby's health.

Selfish

Week 10, Day 4

It's amazing how much women sacrifice to become mothers. I have only been a mother for 10 weeks and 4 days to this amazing little gummy bear in my belly, and I feel like I have already given up so much of my old self to it.

My body is changing so much, and I do not just mean my physical appearance. I mean, internally, with all my organs being shifted and hormones swimming around my body. It's like an alien has taken residence and has decided to repaint all the walls, and bring in all-new furniture. Everything is changing, and it's scary to think that this is only the beginning. Once I bring this new life into the world, the game will change entirely (cue dramatic music here).

They say the hardest part is the 1st trimester (which will thankfully end in 2 weeks' time), but I still have 29 weeks to go, and it is depressing / scaring / exciting the heck out of me.

I have always been a selfish person. Spoiled. Privileged. I'm the eldest child in a brood of 4, but I don't think I have ever displayed any maternal instincts to my younger siblings. I'm more of the loner type, who would rather pore over books than interact with other people. Not exactly mother material, if you ask me. :/

So how come now God has blessed me - a selfish person - with a a life blooming inside of me? A little human being with his/her life dependent on how I take care of my body? I'm now sharing my body with another person...giving up my rights to do whatever it is I want. It's so strange to think that I am responsible for another human being, and that I have to take care of her/him as well as myself, from here on out.

It's very strange, and very scary. I wonder if all new mothers feel this way?

Being a mother is the time in your life when you accept that your life is no longer your own. I don't know how to deal with that. Is this mothers' instinct self-taught? Or does it magically get instilled in you the moment your baby is conceived or when the baby is born?

So many questions. But what I know is this: all mothers are amazing for having to go through these changes. Maybe I feel a bit disconnected from that for now because I don't *feel* amazing...I just feel sluggish and nauseous and fat. That's the selfish-me talking. :( And mothers are not supposed to be selfish. :(