Breastfeeding is best for mothers?

"When will my body ever be mine again?"

This was  first selfish thought that crossed my mind one day, post-partum, while I was staring at myself in the mirror while breastfeeding my baby.

Maybe it was a bad idea to position myself right in front of a full-length mirror while breastfeeding, but there I was, looking at a disheveled image of me, a baby latched onto my engorged breast, while milk was leaking steadily from the other. I felt sore, sticky, and downright ugly. My breasts, which have already been large enough pre-pregnancy, have swollen into (I presume) cup Ds, and they look so unnatural - like, Dolly Parton proportions.

My doctor advised me to go au naturale at home, but I find that impossible to do, as I do not like milk dripping all over me while I move around. My regular cup B bras, which had enough room to spare for my breasts during pregnancy, are already too small; not just with the cup size, but also with the width (my breasts have grown sideways too).

People say (most specifically my doctor and my mom) that I am lucky I am producing so much milk (even without malunggay). Of course, my daughter is the main beneficiary, and I should be happy. But then my mind wanders over to the question at hand, and I spiral into self-doubt and guilt. Are mothers supposed to think these thoughts? Isn't it a given that once you become a mother, your body is never truly yours anymore?

I cried that day. Cried while my baby was contentedly feeding  at my bosom; cried while I hastened to catch the dripping milk from the other breast with a hand pump; cried while thinking of how I will never again fit into my clothes, and how I will have to spend money buying a whole new wardrobe, 2 sizes bigger than my previous set; cried while thinking how other mothers see this "natural breast enhancement" as a plus after pregnancy, while I think its a curse; cried while thinking of how other mothers seem to do this with composure, while here I am, breaking down only on the first 2 weeks of motherhood; cried because all I could think of was how these large breasts are affecting ME negatively, and feeling guilty because I am supposed to be focusing on how these are a positive thing for my daughter.

I am not sure when my body or my life will ever normalize. I don't think it ever will. Is it wrong of me to want it to normalize? Maybe I have a negative body image to begin with: I was a really skinny adolescent, and I spent my middle-aged years trying to achieve a flat tummy by working-out. And now that I've given birth, I still have the post-partum pooch (that left-over flab / tummy skin), and my boobs are too sore and too BIG that I can't even imagine myself working-out again. I don't think they can even fit into my sports bras anymore. :/ Are there breastfeeding mothers out there who have an active lifestyle? How do they do it? Tell me HOW?

Will it get better after breastfeeding? Is it bad of me to think that it will?

Post-partum thoughts

1 week

Baby Adelle is already a week old. I know I haven't updated this blog very diligently; I have more or less let my pregnancy thoughts run free on Twitter or on Facebook. I didn't have time to really write them down cohesively on this blog.

And all of those are moot now, since a new set of thoughts (of a different form and nature) are taking over my brain: post-partum motherhood thoughts. They are mostly full of love for my darling little daughter, but some of it are not so pleasant thoughts about myself, my situation and the people around me.

Post-Partum depression? I don't think so. I think I have a pretty clear hold of my thoughts right now. I think I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything that is happening...to think that it has only been a week!

• In a week's time, I have experienced sleeplessness. It's not only that she keeps me awake for her needs; it's also because I WANT to be awake. Sometimes, just to watch her sleep; often, just to check if she's still breathing. 
• You know when they tell you that your hands and feet swell during pregnancy? Well, they haven't fully disclosed the major bloated-ness your WHOLE BODY experiences post-partum. I feel (and look like) a plastic balloon, blown to capacity. My feet are swollen, my calf has eaten up my ankles, my hands tingle and ache, and worst of all, my breasts are !?:>*&@#&^! engorged. They're unnaturally humongous and as hard as rocks. Even when I massage and pump, they remain large (and hard) and they hurt SO BAD. Which brings me to my next rant...
• I have been waiting 9 long months to be finally able to lie down on my stomach. I have been sleeping in the fetal position for far too long, and my back is aching for some good ol' on-the-stomach-sleeping. I have given birth and all, but nooooo. Lying down on my stomach is near impossible, because these huge (and painful) breasts are in the way. Sigh. 
• I have broken down from exhaustion, irritation and frustration countless times already. Once during Adelle's first night home, and she was crying so helplessly (may kasamang hikbi) - I felt so wretched for not knowing what she wanted; like I was such a terrible mother. One other time when our maid walked in on me while I was breastfeeding. Does she not know that the nursery is off-limits to everybody except myself and my husband?! (ok, and my mom, she can come in) I snapped at her, then at my husband, then cried immediately after from frustration.
• I feel so protective of Adelle...nobody gets to touch her but me! Now I know how a mother hen feels when people hover over her eggs. But maybe this feeling is comparable to something a bit more vicious than a mother hen. An alligator?
• For succumbing to the temptation of a snake and for eating an apple, God has given all women the pain of childbirth, monthly menses, and breastfeeding. Unfair, much? 
• I have permanently camped out inside the nursery. I do not think I could ever sleep in my bed again. Being too far from my baby is not even an option; "too far" meaning, more than 2 meters away from her.

I never thought that I could feel so overwhelmingly in love with a being who has hurt me as she was making her entrance into this world (vaginal birth, with no epidural until I was 8 centimeters dilated, HELLO!); and someone who constantly demands so much of my time (feedings every 2-3 hours), and who literally bites me to stay alive (the horrors of breastfeeding). Surprisingly, after all the hurt and pain she has inflicted on me (and continues to inflict on me, every 2-3 hours), I still coo lovingly at her, and I swear to bring on the wrath to anyone or anything who would wish her harm.

I don't know who coined the clinical term "post-partum depression," and I am not questioning it, really. I'm just saying (or wondering out loud) that don't all mothers feel this way automatically after giving birth? Shouldn't it be normal? I guess what balances it out is the overwhelming feeling of love you have for your newborn. Because if not for that, then mothers all around the world will probably go over the edge. :)