God, Do You Even Hear Me?

I don’t have the best relationship with God right now. Sure, I go to church, I pray before meals, pray before airplane takeoff, pray with my daughter during bedtime... but there are nights when I just full on curse Him. And it feels like I’m cursing into this deep, black void, because He is not there, or worse, He is, but He chooses not to listen to me.

Don’t get me wrong: I am not turning into an aetheist. I am just so annoyed / mad / angry at God right now. 

First, He didn’t listen when I prayed for a healthy baby. 5 months into my 2nd pregnancy, I find out about her syndrome, her anomalies. So, ok. Prayer not heeded. But it didn’t matter really, because I blamed myself for that one. So I continued praying.

Second, He didn’t heed me when I prayed for a miracle. Maybe the doctors were wrong. Maybe the anomalies could be operated on and healed. NOPE. Scan after scan, week after week showed more and more problems. I stopped praying the novena after appointment #ivelostcount.

My baby Eliza died 8 days after delivery, and I couldn’t quite fathom the lesson in all of it. Why make me go through 9 months of growing her inside my body, just for You to take her away? My body was taken over, I wretched and gagged, had back pains, aches, hyperacidity, bloating, I gained 40 fucking pounds, I lost my sense of self, and all for WHAT? No cute baby coos and toes to gush over to make the pain all worth it. Now I am angry and sullen most of the  time. I hate myself when I look in the mirror. I’ve lost my will to go back to work. And I am taking out my sullenness on my unsuspecting, innocent first born. Which brings me to my third point...

Third fervent prayer to God: that He heals Adelle’s eczema / itching, or at the very least, let her SLEEP through the night! She’s almost 3 years old and she can’t sleep 8 full hours. She has to wake up after 2-3 hours, trying to scratch her skin off! I’ve tried every imaginable product, cleaned and disinfected every surface of my home a million times, gone to so many pedia-dermas, regular dermas, allergologists, read every online article on eczema and whatnot — NOTHING has worked for long. It keeps coming back, especially at night, and it’s driving me NUTS. 

Why the fuck would You create eczema? It’s pure evil! And I hate how all this itching is making me a bad mother! I keep shouting at my toddler to stop scratching, slapping her hand away, giving her hard stares, threatening her to stop, bribing her to stop, ignoring her. But how will she stop scratching??? It’s instinct to scratch an itch! 

And then there’s a fourth prayer: for You, Lord, to grant me patience. That’s what You like, right? Non-specific prayers. More on lessons on values than concrete items? But I’m not holding my breath as You didn’t even give a damn about the other 3. 

I am so mad at You. I know my family and I are blessed more than most. I am not asking for wealth, or eternal youth, or a vacation in Paris. I am just asking for a cure — for freaking eczema. So that my child and I can sleep through the night, and so that her skin won’t be a patchwork of red, white and brown. 

Please. Do You even hear me???

Tulog Na, Mahal Ko

We buried Eliza today. We didn't want a wake; we didn't even tell a lot of people about the funeral. But so many people wanted to pay their respects; we were so overwhelmed. Thank you to the hundred or so people who went (sorry we didn't have enough chairs or food), and to the countless more who have sent us messages of condolences, love and support.

Your words mean a lot to us, and they have helped me pull through the past few days. Thank you for making an effort to reach out. Your virtual hugs are much appreciated.

This was the song we played during the burial rites. This was also the song I would sing to her in the hospital. I usually do not get to finish it, because I would break down after singing a line or two.

To all those who have seen my dear Eliza today, you have seen a borrowed angel from God. It brings me some comfort to know that she is now safely in the hands of our Creator.

I love you, my sweet Eliza. Tulog na, mahal ko.️

Angel Pledged to God

Eliza Pia Angelica, our second-born child, was born last August 25, 2018, 11:06 a.m., at 37 weeks & 5 days via normal spontaneous delivery.

She was born with Trisomy 18, or Edwards Syndrome.

As early as 20 weeks, doctors could already see multiple congenital anomalies through ultrasound scans: Problems with her heart, her diaphragm, her kidney (one did not develop), her brain (her cerebellum is underdeveloped) and her lungs. Doctors were not expecting her to survive, as Trisomy 18 is said to be “not compatible with life.”

As early as 20 weeks, we knew. We had 17 more weeks to prepare ourselves. But no matter how many prayers we said, or how much research we did, nothing could really prepare us for losing a child.

Eliza died in my arms at 11:15 p.m., September 2, 2018.

As much as we grieve right now because she was taken away too soon, we are also grateful for the precious time that we spent with her. Only around 50% of Trisomy 18 babies survive past the first week. God lent us an angel from heaven for 8.5 days, and she will forever be in our hearts.

Thank you to all who unwaveringly prayed for her, even when my own faith faltered during these trying times.

Eliza Pia Angelica — our angel pledged to God. Breathe freely now, my love.