Selfish

Week 10, Day 4

It's amazing how much women sacrifice to become mothers. I have only been a mother for 10 weeks and 4 days to this amazing little gummy bear in my belly, and I feel like I have already given up so much of my old self to it.

My body is changing so much, and I do not just mean my physical appearance. I mean, internally, with all my organs being shifted and hormones swimming around my body. It's like an alien has taken residence and has decided to repaint all the walls, and bring in all-new furniture. Everything is changing, and it's scary to think that this is only the beginning. Once I bring this new life into the world, the game will change entirely (cue dramatic music here).

They say the hardest part is the 1st trimester (which will thankfully end in 2 weeks' time), but I still have 29 weeks to go, and it is depressing / scaring / exciting the heck out of me.

I have always been a selfish person. Spoiled. Privileged. I'm the eldest child in a brood of 4, but I don't think I have ever displayed any maternal instincts to my younger siblings. I'm more of the loner type, who would rather pore over books than interact with other people. Not exactly mother material, if you ask me. :/

So how come now God has blessed me - a selfish person - with a a life blooming inside of me? A little human being with his/her life dependent on how I take care of my body? I'm now sharing my body with another person...giving up my rights to do whatever it is I want. It's so strange to think that I am responsible for another human being, and that I have to take care of her/him as well as myself, from here on out.

It's very strange, and very scary. I wonder if all new mothers feel this way?

Being a mother is the time in your life when you accept that your life is no longer your own. I don't know how to deal with that. Is this mothers' instinct self-taught? Or does it magically get instilled in you the moment your baby is conceived or when the baby is born?

So many questions. But what I know is this: all mothers are amazing for having to go through these changes. Maybe I feel a bit disconnected from that for now because I don't *feel* amazing...I just feel sluggish and nauseous and fat. That's the selfish-me talking. :( And mothers are not supposed to be selfish. :(