Don’t get me wrong: I am not turning into an aetheist. I am just so annoyed / mad / angry at God right now.
First, He didn’t listen when I prayed for a healthy baby. 5 months into my 2nd pregnancy, I find out about her syndrome, her anomalies. So, ok. Prayer not heeded. But it didn’t matter really, because I blamed myself for that one. So I continued praying.
Second, He didn’t heed me when I prayed for a miracle. Maybe the doctors were wrong. Maybe the anomalies could be operated on and healed. NOPE. Scan after scan, week after week showed more and more problems. I stopped praying the novena after appointment #ivelostcount.
My baby Eliza died 8 days after delivery, and I couldn’t quite fathom the lesson in all of it. Why make me go through 9 months of growing her inside my body, just for You to take her away? My body was taken over, I wretched and gagged, had back pains, aches, hyperacidity, bloating, I gained 40 fucking pounds, I lost my sense of self, and all for WHAT? No cute baby coos and toes to gush over to make the pain all worth it. Now I am angry and sullen most of the time. I hate myself when I look in the mirror. I’ve lost my will to go back to work. And I am taking out my sullenness on my unsuspecting, innocent first born. Which brings me to my third point...
Third fervent prayer to God: that He heals Adelle’s eczema / itching, or at the very least, let her SLEEP through the night! She’s almost 3 years old and she can’t sleep 8 full hours. She has to wake up after 2-3 hours, trying to scratch her skin off! I’ve tried every imaginable product, cleaned and disinfected every surface of my home a million times, gone to so many pedia-dermas, regular dermas, allergologists, read every online article on eczema and whatnot — NOTHING has worked for long. It keeps coming back, especially at night, and it’s driving me NUTS.
Why the fuck would You create eczema? It’s pure evil! And I hate how all this itching is making me a bad mother! I keep shouting at my toddler to stop scratching, slapping her hand away, giving her hard stares, threatening her to stop, bribing her to stop, ignoring her. But how will she stop scratching??? It’s instinct to scratch an itch!
And then there’s a fourth prayer: for You, Lord, to grant me patience. That’s what You like, right? Non-specific prayers. More on lessons on values than concrete items? But I’m not holding my breath as You didn’t even give a damn about the other 3.
I am so mad at You. I know my family and I are blessed more than most. I am not asking for wealth, or eternal youth, or a vacation in Paris. I am just asking for a cure — for freaking eczema. So that my child and I can sleep through the night, and so that her skin won’t be a patchwork of red, white and brown.
Please. Do You even hear me???
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