Post-partum thoughts

1 week

Baby Adelle is already a week old. I know I haven't updated this blog very diligently; I have more or less let my pregnancy thoughts run free on Twitter or on Facebook. I didn't have time to really write them down cohesively on this blog.

And all of those are moot now, since a new set of thoughts (of a different form and nature) are taking over my brain: post-partum motherhood thoughts. They are mostly full of love for my darling little daughter, but some of it are not so pleasant thoughts about myself, my situation and the people around me.

Post-Partum depression? I don't think so. I think I have a pretty clear hold of my thoughts right now. I think I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything that is happening...to think that it has only been a week!

• In a week's time, I have experienced sleeplessness. It's not only that she keeps me awake for her needs; it's also because I WANT to be awake. Sometimes, just to watch her sleep; often, just to check if she's still breathing. 
• You know when they tell you that your hands and feet swell during pregnancy? Well, they haven't fully disclosed the major bloated-ness your WHOLE BODY experiences post-partum. I feel (and look like) a plastic balloon, blown to capacity. My feet are swollen, my calf has eaten up my ankles, my hands tingle and ache, and worst of all, my breasts are !?:>*&@#&^! engorged. They're unnaturally humongous and as hard as rocks. Even when I massage and pump, they remain large (and hard) and they hurt SO BAD. Which brings me to my next rant...
• I have been waiting 9 long months to be finally able to lie down on my stomach. I have been sleeping in the fetal position for far too long, and my back is aching for some good ol' on-the-stomach-sleeping. I have given birth and all, but nooooo. Lying down on my stomach is near impossible, because these huge (and painful) breasts are in the way. Sigh. 
• I have broken down from exhaustion, irritation and frustration countless times already. Once during Adelle's first night home, and she was crying so helplessly (may kasamang hikbi) - I felt so wretched for not knowing what she wanted; like I was such a terrible mother. One other time when our maid walked in on me while I was breastfeeding. Does she not know that the nursery is off-limits to everybody except myself and my husband?! (ok, and my mom, she can come in) I snapped at her, then at my husband, then cried immediately after from frustration.
• I feel so protective of Adelle...nobody gets to touch her but me! Now I know how a mother hen feels when people hover over her eggs. But maybe this feeling is comparable to something a bit more vicious than a mother hen. An alligator?
• For succumbing to the temptation of a snake and for eating an apple, God has given all women the pain of childbirth, monthly menses, and breastfeeding. Unfair, much? 
• I have permanently camped out inside the nursery. I do not think I could ever sleep in my bed again. Being too far from my baby is not even an option; "too far" meaning, more than 2 meters away from her.

I never thought that I could feel so overwhelmingly in love with a being who has hurt me as she was making her entrance into this world (vaginal birth, with no epidural until I was 8 centimeters dilated, HELLO!); and someone who constantly demands so much of my time (feedings every 2-3 hours), and who literally bites me to stay alive (the horrors of breastfeeding). Surprisingly, after all the hurt and pain she has inflicted on me (and continues to inflict on me, every 2-3 hours), I still coo lovingly at her, and I swear to bring on the wrath to anyone or anything who would wish her harm.

I don't know who coined the clinical term "post-partum depression," and I am not questioning it, really. I'm just saying (or wondering out loud) that don't all mothers feel this way automatically after giving birth? Shouldn't it be normal? I guess what balances it out is the overwhelming feeling of love you have for your newborn. Because if not for that, then mothers all around the world will probably go over the edge. :)