Breastfeeding is best for mothers?

"When will my body ever be mine again?"

This was  first selfish thought that crossed my mind one day, post-partum, while I was staring at myself in the mirror while breastfeeding my baby.

Maybe it was a bad idea to position myself right in front of a full-length mirror while breastfeeding, but there I was, looking at a disheveled image of me, a baby latched onto my engorged breast, while milk was leaking steadily from the other. I felt sore, sticky, and downright ugly. My breasts, which have already been large enough pre-pregnancy, have swollen into (I presume) cup Ds, and they look so unnatural - like, Dolly Parton proportions.

My doctor advised me to go au naturale at home, but I find that impossible to do, as I do not like milk dripping all over me while I move around. My regular cup B bras, which had enough room to spare for my breasts during pregnancy, are already too small; not just with the cup size, but also with the width (my breasts have grown sideways too).

People say (most specifically my doctor and my mom) that I am lucky I am producing so much milk (even without malunggay). Of course, my daughter is the main beneficiary, and I should be happy. But then my mind wanders over to the question at hand, and I spiral into self-doubt and guilt. Are mothers supposed to think these thoughts? Isn't it a given that once you become a mother, your body is never truly yours anymore?

I cried that day. Cried while my baby was contentedly feeding  at my bosom; cried while I hastened to catch the dripping milk from the other breast with a hand pump; cried while thinking of how I will never again fit into my clothes, and how I will have to spend money buying a whole new wardrobe, 2 sizes bigger than my previous set; cried while thinking how other mothers see this "natural breast enhancement" as a plus after pregnancy, while I think its a curse; cried while thinking of how other mothers seem to do this with composure, while here I am, breaking down only on the first 2 weeks of motherhood; cried because all I could think of was how these large breasts are affecting ME negatively, and feeling guilty because I am supposed to be focusing on how these are a positive thing for my daughter.

I am not sure when my body or my life will ever normalize. I don't think it ever will. Is it wrong of me to want it to normalize? Maybe I have a negative body image to begin with: I was a really skinny adolescent, and I spent my middle-aged years trying to achieve a flat tummy by working-out. And now that I've given birth, I still have the post-partum pooch (that left-over flab / tummy skin), and my boobs are too sore and too BIG that I can't even imagine myself working-out again. I don't think they can even fit into my sports bras anymore. :/ Are there breastfeeding mothers out there who have an active lifestyle? How do they do it? Tell me HOW?

Will it get better after breastfeeding? Is it bad of me to think that it will?

Post-partum thoughts

1 week

Baby Adelle is already a week old. I know I haven't updated this blog very diligently; I have more or less let my pregnancy thoughts run free on Twitter or on Facebook. I didn't have time to really write them down cohesively on this blog.

And all of those are moot now, since a new set of thoughts (of a different form and nature) are taking over my brain: post-partum motherhood thoughts. They are mostly full of love for my darling little daughter, but some of it are not so pleasant thoughts about myself, my situation and the people around me.

Post-Partum depression? I don't think so. I think I have a pretty clear hold of my thoughts right now. I think I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything that is happening...to think that it has only been a week!

• In a week's time, I have experienced sleeplessness. It's not only that she keeps me awake for her needs; it's also because I WANT to be awake. Sometimes, just to watch her sleep; often, just to check if she's still breathing. 
• You know when they tell you that your hands and feet swell during pregnancy? Well, they haven't fully disclosed the major bloated-ness your WHOLE BODY experiences post-partum. I feel (and look like) a plastic balloon, blown to capacity. My feet are swollen, my calf has eaten up my ankles, my hands tingle and ache, and worst of all, my breasts are !?:>*&@#&^! engorged. They're unnaturally humongous and as hard as rocks. Even when I massage and pump, they remain large (and hard) and they hurt SO BAD. Which brings me to my next rant...
• I have been waiting 9 long months to be finally able to lie down on my stomach. I have been sleeping in the fetal position for far too long, and my back is aching for some good ol' on-the-stomach-sleeping. I have given birth and all, but nooooo. Lying down on my stomach is near impossible, because these huge (and painful) breasts are in the way. Sigh. 
• I have broken down from exhaustion, irritation and frustration countless times already. Once during Adelle's first night home, and she was crying so helplessly (may kasamang hikbi) - I felt so wretched for not knowing what she wanted; like I was such a terrible mother. One other time when our maid walked in on me while I was breastfeeding. Does she not know that the nursery is off-limits to everybody except myself and my husband?! (ok, and my mom, she can come in) I snapped at her, then at my husband, then cried immediately after from frustration.
• I feel so protective of Adelle...nobody gets to touch her but me! Now I know how a mother hen feels when people hover over her eggs. But maybe this feeling is comparable to something a bit more vicious than a mother hen. An alligator?
• For succumbing to the temptation of a snake and for eating an apple, God has given all women the pain of childbirth, monthly menses, and breastfeeding. Unfair, much? 
• I have permanently camped out inside the nursery. I do not think I could ever sleep in my bed again. Being too far from my baby is not even an option; "too far" meaning, more than 2 meters away from her.

I never thought that I could feel so overwhelmingly in love with a being who has hurt me as she was making her entrance into this world (vaginal birth, with no epidural until I was 8 centimeters dilated, HELLO!); and someone who constantly demands so much of my time (feedings every 2-3 hours), and who literally bites me to stay alive (the horrors of breastfeeding). Surprisingly, after all the hurt and pain she has inflicted on me (and continues to inflict on me, every 2-3 hours), I still coo lovingly at her, and I swear to bring on the wrath to anyone or anything who would wish her harm.

I don't know who coined the clinical term "post-partum depression," and I am not questioning it, really. I'm just saying (or wondering out loud) that don't all mothers feel this way automatically after giving birth? Shouldn't it be normal? I guess what balances it out is the overwhelming feeling of love you have for your newborn. Because if not for that, then mothers all around the world will probably go over the edge. :)

Emotions Running High

Week 28, Day 2

So a few nights ago, my husband and I were laying in bed doing our own pre-bedtime rituals: I was on my iPad, playing Candy Crush while he was watching a movie on his laptop, with his headphones on.

He was watching the latter part of Noah (starring Russel Crow, Emma Watson and Jennifer Connely). When I happened to glance his way, I glimpsed the scene where Emma Watson was giving birth. So (being pregnant) naturally, I was curious.

Me: (waving my hand in front of Ton's face)
Ton: (pauses the movie and removes his headphones)
Me: I want to watch.
Ton: (removes the headphone cord from the plug and resumes the movie)

On-screen, Emma Watson's character proceeds to give birth to a baby girl. After a few moments, she goes into labor again and delivers another baby.
Jennifer Connely's character: (looks up with a morose look on her face) I'm sorry. Sisters.
Emma Watson's character: (wails) NOOOOO!

Me: (turns to Ton with eyebrows furrowed) Why are they sad that it's another girl? Were they expecting a boy?
Ton: (pauses the movie and turns to me matter-of-factly) Because Noah will kill all humans without partners. He said that if she gives birth to a girl, he will kill them to discontinue humanity (so they cannot reproduce).
Me: (shocked) He will kill the babies??!!
Ton: Yes, because Noah believes that that is what God commands.
Me: (starting to cry) But why will God command him to do something so horrible?? They're just babies!!! (starting to wail uncontrollably) Wala naman silang ginagawang masama!

At this point, I was inconsolable. I was bawling uncontrollably, while Ton was wide-eyed and bewildered, trying to wipe away my tears. I was feeling wretched at that moment; confused; heartbroken. WHY would God command Noah to do such an inhumane task: kill - not just one, but two - babies!

Having been pregnant for 28 weeks already then, I felt deeply invested in that scene. I felt devastated that Noah could even let the thought of killing newborn babies enter his mind. Carrying a baby (let alone two!) for 40 weeks inside your body is no joke. Although I've only been able to experience just 28 weeks, those 28 weeks were enough for me to: Experience extreme discomfort brought about by raging hormones and indescribable body changes; and also to feel unconditional love for a person I have not even met yet. <3 I am fiercely enamored with this life growing inside me (hello baby Adelle, I love you!), and I will cry, scream and kick in protest if ever something or someone wishes to harm her.

Having experienced what Emma Watson's character went through (except for the labor part, since I'm not at that point yet), I had an idea on what she must have felt, knowing that her father-in-law, Noah, was about to kill the two most precious beings in her life. It's like, What? You made me go through 9 months of THAT for THIS?

I've heard / read really sad stories of miscarriages, stillborn babies, babies living in the womb for up to 36 weeks, only to suffer complications at the last minute...(shudder). I shouldn't be entertaining negative thoughts, but these type of stories prevail in my Newsfeed often, and I get nightmares from them. :( It makes me really paranoid and sad to hear these stories; sometimes it makes me question God's plan: why would He want mothers to go through the joy of conception, pregnancy and anticipation, only to take it away too soon? It's not fair!

But even if I know that my hormones are making me extra-emotional, paranoid and weepy, I refuse to let these negative thoughts prevail. I will keep on praying to God for a normal and healthy baby, and for a safe delivery for me.

For the information of those who weren't able to watch the movie, Noah, he didn't push through with killing the twins, because he looked at them and felt only love. As such, I should have complete faith in the Lord that He only wants love to prevail, no matter what. :)